Grief

As "Queen of the Delayed Reaction" I've expected that my newer grief over my second grandmother's death would visit again.  The more grief visits,  the more I learn about myself.  With my grandmother, I've discovered profound waves of sadness crash over me.  I cry in public, I get overwhelmed emotionally, I have even less energy than normal for really anything.  Sometimes it is a raw physical lump in my throat.  Some weeks I plug the holes of sadness up with junky novels and episodes of legal dramas.  I did that for about 2 weeks to get through launching the kids into the new school year.  I wonder about it all.  Sure that was great coping for getting through those couple of weeks...but now I'm crying in public...as well as the privacy of my room. 

Sometimes when I am lying in bed wishing I had more energy to do and be in the world...I think about my Ideal Self.  Yes, my Ideal Self would be doing this, taking care of that, and being happily involved in the world around her.  My Ideal Self, however, is curled up in a corner of the bedroom crying quite noisily.  So being up here, in my room, feeling sad is where I need to be right now.