How to move through Grief: I think it might be an algebraic formula...or a recipe....
A lovely dinner at a friends' home featuring homemade Chocolate Pudding and Joke Telling (knock knock jokes are really funny)
Daily phone calls from Sister in Colorado
a Really Long Deep Discussion with Friend In Connecticut
Friends Who Amuse My Children For 36 Hours...so I can Host a Memorial Service
Going For Walks
Getting Outside.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Impediments & Obstacles
How To NOT Leave for A Semester Abroad. (from June 2010)
Some days I wonder if I was foolish to even attempt changing "the way things are" to organize a sabbatical semester SomeWhere Else. The 1.8 weeks of intense debilitating sickness were terrifying, strangely prioritizing, and a time to appreciate the gifts of community.
I was dismayed to find myself so terribly sick the two weeks of the summer that the boys had extensive care (so that I could get the house packed and the trip organized). After my first round of getting hydrated by IV at Urgent Care I was confident enough to ask for help from my friends. It was so wonderful to receive all the care, help & kindnesses. So many friends said, "Oh I didn't do anything." or "It was such a little thing." But every "little" thing was HUGE! I couldn't do anything...so everything was a gift! By the second IV at the ER (because Urgent Care had no idea why I wasn't getting better) Henri and I were getting very scared. What was wrong? Why wasn't I getting better? The ER had no answers either just another IV. This is when I decided I really really hate getting hydrated by IV. I was also frustrated because I'd been drinking nasty chilled Pedialyte all week & I still got dehydrated!!
Unfortunately/Fortunately
1. Unfortunately I felt terrible. I crawled off the guest room futon (could not get up to standing) to tell the boys to please be quiet because I was feeling so crappy. I didn't make in very far.
Fortunately Henri decided I was seriously sick ---time for Urgent Care.
2. Unfortunately I got a messy "stick" for the first IV. Because the stick was messym IV tech left the room and shut the door, Henri fainted on me. I screamed for help VERY loudly so that someone would come through the door.
Fortunately, 3 people came through the door, took care of Henri, helped me calm down and got the IV flowing. Fortunately I felt better (but chillier) after 3 bags of fluid.
3. Unfortunately, despite Pedialyte and the BRAT (Bananas, Rice, Applesauce & Toast) diet exclusively, I was commuting to the bathroom too much. Results: stomach cramps, weakness, having no energy...thinking the stairs were too much to handle.
4. a Gastroenterologist who wanted to have an intellectual discussion about how maybe I didn't have Celiac Disease when all I wanted to know was why I felt so crummy and was sick for so long. I nearly cried during that appointment and; felt just emotionally wrecked at the end of it.
5. Urgent Care telling me to go to the ER because they had no idea what to do with me.
6. Spending a beautiful day (6 hours) in the ER.
7. Getting another IV rehydration.
8. Still felt awful.
9. Went to see Dr. but she wasn't in. Met her Sensible Colleague instead. Who said, "This has gone on long enough! Time to pretend it is a parasite (giardia or such), get an antibiotic in you & get you back on your feet. Call me if you still feel terrible."
10. Took anti-biotic. FELT BETTER!!!!! All hail the Sensible Colleague!!!!! Long may she reign!!
Some days I wonder if I was foolish to even attempt changing "the way things are" to organize a sabbatical semester SomeWhere Else. The 1.8 weeks of intense debilitating sickness were terrifying, strangely prioritizing, and a time to appreciate the gifts of community.
I was dismayed to find myself so terribly sick the two weeks of the summer that the boys had extensive care (so that I could get the house packed and the trip organized). After my first round of getting hydrated by IV at Urgent Care I was confident enough to ask for help from my friends. It was so wonderful to receive all the care, help & kindnesses. So many friends said, "Oh I didn't do anything." or "It was such a little thing." But every "little" thing was HUGE! I couldn't do anything...so everything was a gift! By the second IV at the ER (because Urgent Care had no idea why I wasn't getting better) Henri and I were getting very scared. What was wrong? Why wasn't I getting better? The ER had no answers either just another IV. This is when I decided I really really hate getting hydrated by IV. I was also frustrated because I'd been drinking nasty chilled Pedialyte all week & I still got dehydrated!!
Unfortunately/Fortunately
1. Unfortunately I felt terrible. I crawled off the guest room futon (could not get up to standing) to tell the boys to please be quiet because I was feeling so crappy. I didn't make in very far.
Fortunately Henri decided I was seriously sick ---time for Urgent Care.
2. Unfortunately I got a messy "stick" for the first IV. Because the stick was messym IV tech left the room and shut the door, Henri fainted on me. I screamed for help VERY loudly so that someone would come through the door.
Fortunately, 3 people came through the door, took care of Henri, helped me calm down and got the IV flowing. Fortunately I felt better (but chillier) after 3 bags of fluid.
3. Unfortunately, despite Pedialyte and the BRAT (Bananas, Rice, Applesauce & Toast) diet exclusively, I was commuting to the bathroom too much. Results: stomach cramps, weakness, having no energy...thinking the stairs were too much to handle.
4. a Gastroenterologist who wanted to have an intellectual discussion about how maybe I didn't have Celiac Disease when all I wanted to know was why I felt so crummy and was sick for so long. I nearly cried during that appointment and; felt just emotionally wrecked at the end of it.
5. Urgent Care telling me to go to the ER because they had no idea what to do with me.
6. Spending a beautiful day (6 hours) in the ER.
7. Getting another IV rehydration.
8. Still felt awful.
9. Went to see Dr. but she wasn't in. Met her Sensible Colleague instead. Who said, "This has gone on long enough! Time to pretend it is a parasite (giardia or such), get an antibiotic in you & get you back on your feet. Call me if you still feel terrible."
10. Took anti-biotic. FELT BETTER!!!!! All hail the Sensible Colleague!!!!! Long may she reign!!
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Grief
As "Queen of the Delayed Reaction" I've expected that my newer grief over my second grandmother's death would visit again. The more grief visits, the more I learn about myself. With my grandmother, I've discovered profound waves of sadness crash over me. I cry in public, I get overwhelmed emotionally, I have even less energy than normal for really anything. Sometimes it is a raw physical lump in my throat. Some weeks I plug the holes of sadness up with junky novels and episodes of legal dramas. I did that for about 2 weeks to get through launching the kids into the new school year. I wonder about it all. Sure that was great coping for getting through those couple of weeks...but now I'm crying in public...as well as the privacy of my room.
Sometimes when I am lying in bed wishing I had more energy to do and be in the world...I think about my Ideal Self. Yes, my Ideal Self would be doing this, taking care of that, and being happily involved in the world around her. My Ideal Self, however, is curled up in a corner of the bedroom crying quite noisily. So being up here, in my room, feeling sad is where I need to be right now.
Sometimes when I am lying in bed wishing I had more energy to do and be in the world...I think about my Ideal Self. Yes, my Ideal Self would be doing this, taking care of that, and being happily involved in the world around her. My Ideal Self, however, is curled up in a corner of the bedroom crying quite noisily. So being up here, in my room, feeling sad is where I need to be right now.
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